Today was a stormy day, both physically and mentally. Funny how sometimes the weather matches what we’re feeling on the inside so perfectly.
Here in Alaska we got our biggest snowstorm of the year today (I think it was anyway). I was over at my friends’ house as we watched
the snow come down for the second day in a row. Of course like any teenage girls who love photos and anything girly, we took this opportunity to take “artsy” photos. Which really just meant an excuse to push each other down into the snow and freeze our toes and fingers off.
The roads were slick and hard to see. Driving down a narrow road, never knowing when a car is going to come at you and you’ll have to squeeze by just perfectly for both of you to come out of the passing alive and unharmed. It kind of reminds me of life, at least for those of us who struggle with depression.
Sometimes we can go through life, living wonderfully and beautifully though we know depression is somewhere, waiting to come back in. We never quite know when something’s going to come out at us full force, wrapping us by the throat to drag us back into the pits of Hell. Once in awhile we’re lucky, we manage to get out of the way just in time to avoid the darkness, we manage to survive the attack. But more often than not, at least for me, I don’t jump out of the way in time. I get wrapped up and dragged in, and then I’m left in the sinking thing I call depression.
For the last four years I’ve struggled with various degrees of depression. For the last year though I’ve been able to keep it at arms length, which is somewhat a form of a blessing and a curse all at once. It’s such a blessing to be able to live without feeling like you’re living in a black hole, away from everyone else who is living in the light. At the same time though it’s a curse, for when you fall back into the hole after so long, you no longer no how to cope.
Today my depression decided to take a big hit. I took an hour long shower and cried my heart out while I blasted sad Taylor Swift songs. I let myself cry like I haven’t in months, I let myself feel what I’ve been scared to feel again for the last year. I let myself be broken, the way I’m all too familiar with. And it’s hard. It’s hard having an aching in your chest with no way to fix it. It’s hard feeling things you don’t know how to deal with.
I admit it’s been quite a great while since I’ve felt this way. I can’t say I missed it, but I can’t say I didn’t know it would be coming. I must say though it’s a frustrating battle. It’s a horrible thing to fight so hard to stay on the road just for one small thing to push you over into the dark.
So here’s to all of you who are fighting. Maybe you’re driving, fighting to stay on the road; or maybe you’ve been pushed onto the road and you’re struggling in the darkness. Wherever you are, whatever you’re dealing with, you’re not alone. I promise you with time, one of two things will happen. 1. You’ll dig yourself out of the darkness and get on your way in that beautiful thing called life. Or 2. Someone’s going to come along and help you out, probably when you least expect it. No matter what, don’t give up, the darkness hasn’t won yet.